diastolic

Christmas.

2006-12-19T14:58:00.000-05:00

I just composed a thoughtful post about Christmas. I deleted it by mistake.
Merry freakin' Christmas.

The Wedding...From Beginning to End.

2006-11-04T16:11:00.000-05:00

I haven't written a post in about 6 months. This is why...
(These are my favorite pictures. I had 756 to choose from.)
The photos were taken by Michelle and Eric Turner of Michelle Turner Photography in Augusta, Maine. They did a beautiful job.

September 16, 2006

The Retreat at French's Point - Stockton Springs, Maine

We rented the entire Retreat for the day. The women got ready upstairs, while the guys had the basement. How could it have been any other way? That's my friend Vicki. She's a STELLAR hair stylist and has been doing my hair since I was a kid.

This is my good friend Josh. He and went to high school together in Winthrop. He was ready first. He's typically this efficient.

Justin is on the left. He's my husband. One of my best friends, Eric, is on the right, helping Justin with that pesky collar. Eric knows his business when it comes to looking sharp. He's very GQ.

Mr. Efficient and Mr. GQ. I'm willing to bet that Eric was evaluating the quality of the jacket. It's Ralph Lauren, not to worry.

This is Justin's little brother, Jake. Eric assisting with another collar. That's Dave on the right. He's a good friend who also is the Reverend who performed the cermony.

This is Me. I was stressed beyond belief and a little pissed because I had just realized that I had forgotten my pearls at the hotel. Plus, I had already been sitting there for about an hour.

Our dresses.

One of my best friends, Audrey. She was a bridesmaid in the wedding. I love the floor in this picture. Audrey looks great too.

Here's my Mom, Beth, straightening my sister Karen's dress tails. Karen was the Maid of Honor. That's Karen's friend Kelly on the left. She traveled from the South to be here for the wedding. She was so helpful.

Audrey was the only one who seemed to know how to attach those damn boutonnieres. See thoose pins in her hair? My mother and I made those with a hot glue gun. Ha.

I was smiling because this was almost over. I also kept dropping the little hair clips. There were about 20 in my hair.

Of course the guys were long since ready. There they are...having fun. Hmpf.

Here my dress again. Pretty creative picture.

I got a pep talk from Jamie, one of my best friends and bridemaid. She is about the most rational person I know. I was not being rational and she was giving me a lesson.

Karen helping me put on my necklace. She did my makeup too.

Nice picture. Kinda like monkeys picking bugs off each other's backs. Ha.

Audrey is very serious sometimes. She's also very good at holding still. I really like this picture. I also think it's a great picture of the bridemaids dresses.

Karen graciously helping my mother with her shoes. Judging my my mother's face this wasn't the easiest task.

Hotties.

Ganstas.

Just some great looking guys.

Justin on the left - That's Josh, his Best Man on the right.

Justin again. That's Justin's brother, Jake, on the right. He was a groomsman.

Justin and Tim. Tim's a cool guy. One can tell that by this picture.

Justin and Eric. Eric was an usher. This wedding wouldn't have been the same without him.

Justin and Josh. Josh was also an usher. Neither he or Eric wanted to wear dresses and be bridesmaids, so they had to settle for ushing. And ush, they did.

Let me tell you, I was not enjoying myself. I couldn't breathe.

I don't know what I would have done with their help. Well, I probably just would have had a really hard time.

Getting my hair touched up right after getting hauled into my dress.

Jamie. I love her. I think that she was being rational here.

Here is Eric, making sure that Justin looks his best for me. I'm thinking that he was giving step by step instructions. Tim and Josh seem way too interested in this.

OK- the story that I received about this picture is that Josh had missed a few hairs while shaving and Eric was ever so gently pulling them out. lol. Wow. We missed all the fun upstairs.

lol.

This is my Dad, Gary. He was just popping in to say hi.

My Dad hadn't seen my dress yet. We bought it in June.

Karen's good at make-up application. She's assisting my mother with her lip gloss. My Mom usually gets in on her teeth.

Jake looking very MIB. I have a feeling that Justin is telling him to button his jacket.

Me all dressed.

Here's Dave, waiting to escort Justin down the highway to hell.

I love my sister.

Here are my parents! They look nice. I like seeing them smiling together. Kinda makes me want to get married.

A string quartet provided the music for the ceremony. I love cellos. Too bad I can't remember even hearing the music. I heard that it was lovely.

And it begins... This is Justin's grandmother being escorted by Josh. That's Justin's grandfather, Hal bringing up the rear. I chose Vivaldi's Winter for the grandparents' and mothers' entrance music.

Justin's Mom, Pam. Justin stepfather, Bob is on the left. Jake was kind enough to escort his mother down the aisle.

My Mom requested that Eric walk her down the aisle about a week after Justin proposed. She thinks very highly of him.

Here comes Jamie! I love the color of their dresses.

Karen selected shoes with 4 inch heels. She did surprisingly well.

And Audrey. I really love the black and white pictures of the dresses... Something about the way the skirts are blowing.

Lovely job.

Here we come. We had the longest aisle in history (Except for Princess Diana's wedding). My Dad and I found that small talk was the best way to pass the time.

Still comin'...

I asked Justin several times before the wedding if he would be happy seeing me walking down the aisle. This picture assuaged my fears.

Awesome.

I was having a little trouble here.

Tim read 1 Corinthians 13. I was pretty adament about having it read in its entirety. Most people only read the end. Tim did a bang up job. He's so articulate.

My Dad giving me away.

Our friends, Art and Amy were walking up to do a reading. We met during college and when Justin met them they became fast friends. I was really happy to see them. They got married about 5 years ago and I respect them very much.

This is our good friend, Jake. I met Jake at St. Lawrence. He's Amy's brother-in-law. Jake's wife, Missy wasn't able to come up to read since she was busy taking care of their new baby, Emma. Missy also went to St. Lawrence. Jake and Missy were married 4 years ago. They're two of our best friends.

Karen sang "In My Life" by the Beatles. She did such a great job. That's John McEwan playing guitar with her. We've known John and his family for years. He's a great guy. I sang at his daughter, Julie's wedding.

I really like this picture. This was probably the only time that I will pray with all the people that I love.

Justin starting to puddle up during his vows...

Diane starting to crack up during hers...

What a beautiful day!

Finally, the kiss! I was beginning to feel relief at this point.

Me right before the kiss.

Still kissing... lol

After our kiss, Dave took a few minutes to leave us with some word of wisdom. He decided to talk with everyone about lists that Justin and I had made about each other during our pre-marital counseling. We had to make lists of 10 things we love about each other and 10 things that drive us nuts about the other. He picked some pretty funny parts. It was really nice to lighten the mood.

Who needs a church when God made a place as beautiful as this?

The Benediction.

Mr. and Mrs. Justin Morse

We were both so giddy with relief. We couldn't get back up that walkway fast enough.

Dave asked all the guests to congregate for a group picture. Justin and I specifically requested this from the photographer. I've seen a lot of wedding albums and none of them have ever included a picture of everyone in attendance. This was a really important picture for me.

Yay!!!

And for the formal shots. I don't have much to say about these...

I'm actually about 4 inches taller than Karen. She was wearing some killer heels!

Classic Justin and Jake.

Justin's grandmother claiming her territory.

This is one of my favorite pictures of Justin and I.

Shahp. (That's "sharp" in Mainer.)

Me with Eric and Josh, my boys. I love these two fellas very much.

This is my favorite group shot. It's really hard to see detail in this size, but it looks really good in a 5x7 print. Our photographer, Michelle, is so talented.

I had to be coerced into sitting for this picture. I couldn't bend in half because I was wearing two corsets. Yeow. Cute picture though.

Justin's brother, Jake suggested sitting in the chairs for photos.

Not one of my favorites, but a cool picture. I've had some people say that it has an "Old West" feel.

Here's a string of pictures of Justin and I. We hiked down to the beach. That was quite an adventure in my dress.

Here's my bouquet. It doesn't look it, but that thing was so heavy it made my arm sore.

Jake and Missy had to leave. Their daughter, Emma was having a hard time. She was only 2 weeks old, after all. Jake came down to the beach while we were taking pictures to say goodbye. Art was taking a picture and Michelle snapped this picture from the side.

It was about 80 degrees the day of the wedding. I'm surprised the roses held up as well as they did. In the lower right corner you'll see our wedding favor. We had shot glasses made with our names and the date printed on them.

Lining up for introductions.. Josh and Eric first.

Jake and Audrey.

Jamie and Tim.

Karen and Josh. That's a great shot of the bridesmaid dress. She looked really good in it.

And the Bride and Groom. The DJ introduced us as Mr. and Mrs. Justin Young. That was stellar.

First Dance

We hate to dance.

Jusint's Mom.

Here's the cake. It had three different flavors... Chocolate, Vanilla, and Carrot. They were supposed to save the top part for Justin and I to freeze to eat on our anniversary. Didn't happen. It was served. Oh well.

Justin's family has a tradition of cutting wedding cakes with his grandfather's Navy sword. That was an interesting experience. Looked cool, though.

Just a thought...

2006-03-24T18:03:00.000-05:00

I'm beginning to think that there is something significantly wrong with my brain. Sometimes I sit down, look out whatever window is closest, and realize that another few months of my life has gone by. This happened twice today. I try to take stock of accomplishments, memories, and acquired knowledge and I always come up more or less empty handed. My relationship with Justin and it's progression is a very comforting constant.
Awakening #1 occurred at about 10:30AM when I was sitting at a desk in the Bath satellite office. I didn't realize that I was doing it until my supervisor cupped her hands around her mouth like a megaphone and called my name...three times. I was staring at the field out the window wishing that there was a cow to see.

Awakening #2 occurred at about, well, right now. I decided to write this post because of it.

Generally speaking, I suppose that it's OK for time to pass, however I would prefer for it to stop and allow me to gather myself. I feel as though I run to keep up, and then I always forget to stop and do what I need to do. It's a regular occurrence for people to tell me that I've said and done things that I have absolutely no recollection of. This is most likely because I was too busy worrying that time was passing to make a memory of the given event.

Things that I need to do include: Tell the people that I love that I love them; Spend as much time with said people as I possibly can before one or all of them dies; Get a cat; Take care of my body; Breathe; Enjoy the moments that I'm living in; GET A NEW JOB (the uppercase means that this is a PRIORITY, unfortunately I don't have time to make it one)....

There are more, I just am too tired to list them right now.

My attempts to cope with this situation I find myself in are usually interpreted as "Diane being crazy." This makes me sad.

I need.

2005-10-19T15:17:00.000-05:00

If you want to know what the hell this is all about please go read the most recent entry of Justin's blog... www.thelog.tk

1. Diane needs the numbers so we can keep our noses clean ...
2. Diane needs to find out the age, sex, and educational level of her target customers so that she can effectively market her services to them.
3. Diane needs a pigfoot and a bottle of beer, some reefer and some gin, and a crawlin' kingsnake..
4. Diane needs to apply herself more conscientiously
5. Diane needs no direct medical treatment for immediate survival, but is terminally ill.
6. Try not to be too critical of Diane's needs and desires, however inappropriate you may think them. You don't have to let them impinge on you
7. Diane needs our prayers
8. Diane needs assistance in paying her bills
9. Diane needs to meet with Doreen and set up security
10. "Diane needs to be more sexy and more out there," J. said, after noting that Diane had difficulty accentuating her voluptuous figure. ... (God, if only this were true!)
11. Diane needs to accept that moving here was a choice and so her expenses are tuition in the University of Life.
12. Diane needs to be out of there, she is definitely the spawn of satan
13. Diane needs a little discipline and a little training.
14. Diane needs to craft a story about her vision.
15. Diane needs to go talk to a Cowboy right now.
16. Diane needs bossing. Trust me.
17. Diane needs to be in the kitchen. Arrogant bitch.
18. Diane needs complete physical and dental exams, given the multiple health issues described above.
19. Diane needs help right now.

Hm. If you know me, enough said.
If not? Welcome to my world.

Poo Poo.

2005-10-11T20:00:00.000-05:00

See the picture ? Funny, huh?
Notice the green eyes, they're significant. (It's a reference to the whole "green-eyed monster" cliche.) I call her "Jealous Janet". Justin must be given credit for this catchy cognomen. She is my namesake, after all. Touching.

(By the way... Since I think that my reader pool is expanding past 2 people...Justin is my most favorite significant other in the entire universe and this is his blog.)

So...
Sometimes when I've been described as possessing a certain trait, I look it up in the dictionary to find a loop hole in the definition (Merriam Webster Online). I succeed in rationalizing my way out of having the above mentioned attribute about 70% of the time. If I can't? Well, then I turn to the DSMIV. I look up the mental illness most commonly associated with that trait and quickly realize that I do not meet the criteria.

Referring to Jealous Janet...I waltzed right out of HER shoes. The first definition in the dictionary is: "Intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness". (Note: I will be disregarding definition B.) Hm. That doesn't seem so bad. I would say that it's very normal and productive to be intolerant of "one of two or more striving to reach or obtain something that only one can possess" or "not adhering to vows, allegiance, or duty." See? What was once bad has become good! I'll shout it to the hills!!! I AM INTOLERANT OF RIVALRY OR UNFAITHFULNESS!!!! WOOHOOOO!!!!!!! Justin most assuredly followed this same train of thought before calling me jealous. Right, Bub? :-)

In an old post, I commented that I only write a blog when appropriately inspired. I wrote this today because someone called me controlling and it's bugging the shit out of me.

Yummy.

2005-09-14T20:05:00.000-05:00

Justin and I kinda made up a recipe together one day and I think that we've come pretty close to a pretty good chili. It's actually good for you. Well, the South Beach Diet man says so. For anyone who's doing that diet, this chili can be eaten constantly on Phase I (by my calculations).

Here's the recipe:

3lbs of ground beef or ground turkey (They're both good! Drain all the fatty shit off it!!)
1 REALLY big onion (I like to use the Vidalia kind cause they're expensive and that means they're better... right?)
1 bunch of hot peppers of whatever kind (this time I put in about 6 jalepenos.. WITH the seeds. If you don't like it hot, then I would just put in a couple anaheim peppers. Those are the flourescent green ones that look like sketchy green peppers.)
A big glob of minced garlic
About a half to 3/4 of a cup of chili powder (I buy the big vat of it at Sam's Club.)
Enough cumin powder to make a little mound in the palm of your hand
2 cans of black beans (with the juice)
2 cans of dark red kidney beans (with the juice)
2 big old cans of crushed tomatoes
1 regular size can of beef broth
.

Get a big pot 'cause this makes a lot.

1. Cut up the onions and peppers and cook them with the garlic in olive oil till they're kinda mushy.

2. Add the chili powder and cumin to it all and cook it for a few minutes.

3. Open all the cans of beans and stuff, then dump them all in the pot.

4. Then you add the ground beef, but make sure that you cook it first. I forgot that part and it should have been step number one. Whatever.

5. Stir it.

6. Put the burner on low/mediumish and cook it until it looks done. (The chili that I'm cooking right now has been on the stove for about an hour and it's not quite done. Oh, and also....Make sure you stir it often because it might burn to the bottom of the pot. That makes the finished product taste like shit.)

Usually I buy shredded cheddar cheese and sour cream to put on top. YUM.

My level of excitement about this post is unnaturally intense, but I gotta reap pleasure where I can...you know?

I fully realize that I have a very small audience, but if anyone out there stumbles upon my post, decides to try this, and likes it, let me know!

If you hate it that means that you screwed it up.

http://thehotpepper.com lol. This is funny. There certainly is something for everybody in this world. I think that I might join.
http://www.briansbelly.com/scovilles/primer/index.shtml Very informative!!

Cobwebs in my ears!

2005-08-31T21:41:00.000-05:00

I had the urge to read my old posts. I really only like one of them...the one about my New Year's diet. The rest of them are obnoxious and wordy. Sorry 'bout that, folks.

And now.... In response to my diet resolution blog....

(Drum roll please)

I've gained about 25 lbs! Please, please.. no applause.
I'm not worried though. New Year's isn't far away.

I also noticed that I received an unsolicited comment from someone that I don't know. She likes my blog! Thanks :-) I sincerely appreciate that.

Later alligators.

Just a little something...

2005-02-03T16:00:00.001-05:00

It was brought to my attention that I don't do well keeping my post updated.

Just for the record, I sign on everyday and review what I've written. It's not in my nature to be independently creative. The topics that I write about involve situations or thoughts that are actively invading my personal space. I write about them to set myself free.

So, bottom line: I won't force myself to write a post just because I haven't written one in a while. Hmpf. That being said...

Memories of college have been bombarding me over the past few weeks. I miss it like crazy. I miss the people. I've realized that there are friends scattered across the country that are as close as siblings. I am an asshole because I don't keep in touch with them. I would give anything to be awakened at 2pm on a Saturday by Jamie and Eric, go to Jack's Snack Shop in our pajamas, and then sit in bed smoking a joint. Life doesn't get much better than that...it could only get better by adding Justin to the scene.

I'm sitting at work right now. I can hear the traffic on I95 out the open window. It's just starting to get dark and I feel really displaced. I feel like I need to be sitting in the middle of an open field pulling up pieces of grass one by one.

Hm.

2005-01-05T21:39:00.000-05:00

I just informed Justin that I am in a "free" mood tonight. I tried to explain this to him. All I could come up with was, "Actually...I feel in an honest mood. Meaning my reactions to others actions, not the other way around. I feel like I am feeling things honestly without my usual ration of bullshit piled on top." He said, "Huh. That's good." God BLESS him. Could anyone wonder why I love him so much?

Enjoy this with me...
http://www.scarysquirrel.org/

Excellent. Have a great day. :-)

Sunny Days, Sweeping the Clouds Aaaaway!

2005-01-04T01:12:00.000-05:00

...On my way to where the air..Is...CLEAN! Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?

I intend for this post to be a brief tribute to the Sesame Street I remember. The day that a Muppet with HIV debuted on the show was the day that Sesame Street died.

I found a "Which Sesame Street Character Are You Quiz" online today. Sigh. Yeah. I am Snuffalupagus. "Sometimes you get lonely, but you're a unique, special, one of a kind individual that no one could ever replace". I am very happy with that description. Solid Sesame Streetness.

Here's the link for the quiz: http://powersugoi.net/quiz/ssm.php I was hoping that I would test out as one of those "Brrrrrring yip yip yip" aliens. But then again being a unique, special, and irreplaceable person has it's perks. Ha.

My sister, Karen, took the test until she tested as Grover. I find this to be a tad like cheating... But then again, retaking the test with such innocence would be something that Grover most assuredly would do. NEAR................................................................................FAR

Here are the "Brrrrrring yip yip yip..telephone" Aliens. What, in God's name, children learned from them, we may never know. They look like deflated jellyfish but I can't say that I wouldn't enjoy having one as a pet... happiness would abound. I prefer the orange Alien. He looks much more inquisitive than the pink one. The pink one just looks bossy.

Ring Ding in the New Year.

2004-12-28T13:12:00.000-05:00

It begins in 73 hours and 48 minutes. For about the fiftieth time in my life I will be starting a diet, a classic resolution. Happy New Year to me!

They say that referring to a weight loss endeavor as a "diet" can hurt motivation since the word "diet" is always so poorly received. Please. Everyone knows that any means of weight loss is a diet, and any diet sucks... HARD. Of course in my case, food is an emotional crutch. Not only am I going to have my cookies taken away, I'm going to cry about it. This tweaks the suck meter considerably.

My motivation? Smaller pants. I realize how sad this appears, but the instant gratification of going into a store and being able to pick progressively smaller sizes from the rack makes my mouth water. I continue to suffer under the delusion that smaller pants will cure my emotional and behavioral ills as well. Of course the health benefits of it all are just the icing on the cake. At this point I'd rather clean up the rubble than dwell on the cause of the fire.

So, Happy New Year to you all. Wish me luck because I'm sure going to need it.

While the rest of the world counts down from 10 with Dick Clark and sings that song they don't know the words to, I will be cramming a Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pie into my mouth. I might even attempt two if I can fit them both without choking.

2004-12-15T14:23:00.000-05:00

What a beautiful animal...

Countin my chickens...

2004-12-14T16:40:00.000-05:00

I went to visit a client today at 10:00AM. I do Child Protective work for the State. This was not a "sit down and have coffee" kind of visit. On days like today I thank God that I'm not a rookie. During the first year or so it typically takes every ounce of emotional wherewithal to accomplish a visit like this. I have none of that today. None.

I had a hard time finding the apartment. Like many apartment complexes in Augusta there are many poorly numbered buildings that all look exactly the same. I finally found the right building and the hallway smelled like cigarettes and urine. I was getting frustrated until I saw two women standing by the window at the end of the hall...thought I might ask for their assistance in navigation.

Both women were in their pajamas. Both women were smoking a cigarette and the woman wearing the teddy bear nightshirt was drinking a beer. Sitting next to them on the floor was a baby girl. After I asked, they cordially directed me to the correct apartment. I instantly judged these people, not remembering that I wasn't there to see them and that it's none of my damn business how they choose to spend their morning.

I stepped out of the apartment complex onto black ice and promptly fell on my ass. Karma? Probably.

This job has aged me far beyond my years. I'm 25. I'm not supposed to be worried about how clean someone's house is or how appropriately someone dressed their children. I'm supposed to care about going out with my 20 something friends on Friday nights, drinking a beer on the weekend (hopefully not at 10:00Am), and being happy with the time that people are willing to devote to me. I don't feel like I have time to not worry. I worry about getting enough sleep.

Someone that I love very much said something to me recently. He said, "You're putting all of your eggs in my basket and I don't have very good balance." This was so painful for me to hear. I seem to have lost my own basket somewhere along the way.

I took a break for lunch. I had lunch with my friend Tim and we had a nice talk. I suddenly have realized that I haven't fucked my life up as much as I had thought. Thanks Tim.

I walked outside after we were done eating and realized that the sun was shining. And I didn't take any time to analyze why I hadn't noticed before. Cool.

I love you Justin.

Guilty by reason of insanity?

2004-12-11T23:40:00.000-05:00

Alright. You've got Major Depression, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Schizo-typal Personality Disorder, and Panic Disorder.

Then there's the very general Mood Disorder NOS (NOS means "not otherwise specified", which in turn means that a person doesn't quite fit the criteria of the Diagnostical and Statistical Manual however they still display some traits of a specific disorder such as Depression or Mania.)

Oh, and don't forget Histrionic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and of course my own personal favorite, (drum roll please!)...Hypochondria.

Phew.

From what I've observed, a very high percentage of individuals diagnosed with one of these disorders functions pretty well day to day. (Of course most of them are dulled slightly with Zoloft, Lexapro, Xanex, Valium, Klonipin, Seraquil, Tenex, Lithium, Celexa, Prozac, or one of the hundreds of other psychotropic meds.) But even without meds, most of these people go about their grocery shopping, banking, crapping, sleeping, eating, laughing, crying, and yes, even breathing fairly successfully every...single...day. Of course those who are depressed would cry more intensely, and your typical bulimic would eat in a different manner. Ok.. So?

Well, if you look in the DSM-IV they list certain criteria or symptoms that must be pervasive in a person's life for them to have achieved that specific mental illness. And the clincher? In order for their behavior to become a "diagnosis", the above mentioned symptoms must prevent them from functioning in a normal manner on any given day.

I would be willing to bet some serious cash (And I'm talkin' at least $20 here, folks) that if society's ideals and individuals' awareness of them were to magically disappear that all the loopy loopersons in the world would be very content... maybe even happy. (Dear GOD, not that!)

In other words, namely mine, the mode of measuring the severity of the symptoms preventing a person from functioning in a normal manner becomes less about self-interest and the goal of inner peace and more about to what degree that person is making others uncomfortable. It's not uncommon for a therapist to invite a patient's family member or significant other to a session in order to hold the patient accountable for how their symptoms are affecting the lives of others. Hm. Couldn't the invitee's reaction to the patient's "mental illness" just be a symptom of their own? "Oh, you hate my excessive hand-washing? Maybe you have Avoidant Personality Disorder, asshole." (lol..sorry.)

Take me, for example. I battle some pretty fierce anxiety mixed with a twinge of what people in my life lovingly refer to as Hypochondria. I honestly never even gave my anxiety about possible medical ailments a second thought until almost all of my friends and loved ones teasingly said that was hypochondriac...all independently of each other. I often wonder that if I lacked the ability to understand people's reactions to my behaviors if I would be so adament about changing them. They certainly weren't concerning to me until someone pointed them out!

On some days if it was socially acceptable, I would be in the emergency room at least a couple times just to make sure that something I was experiencing wasn't a life threatening disease or condition. Hm. Ok...So what if I was? Well, I would be bothering other people, that's what. Nevermind that just having a doctor take five minutes to tell me that there's nothing wrong would instantly assuage my fears and prove to me that he or she toiled through medical school for the right reasons. Plus, that would be a hell of a lot easier than talking myself down from the anxiety.
Trust me when I say this... If I presented at Maine General Medical Center with a dull pain in my leg and told the physician that I believed I might have a blood clot (WebMD says so, by the way) the annoyance would be clear and I would feel instantly silly and self-conscious about being there.

I have little to no faith in this world's catagorization of mental illness. Each mental illness seems to be nothing more than an elevated expression of a specific aspect of the human experience. Given this, I've come to a conclusion that makes living a tad bit easier for me. Diagnosed mental illness is nothing more than acknowledgement of an emotional talent.

Sigh. This would be fucking great if we all lived in bubbles. Unfortunately, we can't get rid of each other. Carry on, carry on...and I'll save my $15 co-pay.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

2004-12-10T14:02:00.000-05:00

My friend Audrey and I went to the Maine Mall last night. 'Tis the season, after all.

I guess that a brief description of Audrey would help clarify the humor of the excursion. So here we go...

First off, Audrey is a rigorous person. She doesn't mince words and expects that no one else will either. Audrey dresses to the nines and it is a rare occurrence to see her socks not match her shirt or for her pants to be without a crease. Damn do I envy that. She nurses a slight paranoia (well I guess that it's a tad bit more than slight) about things such as giving her Social Security number to anyone for any and all purposes, and telling her address to anyone other than someone she wants to visit her. As for giving her phone number out? Hell no. Mind you, this is all very endearing when it plays out day to day.

Underneath all that, Audrey has a nougat center. But she's most assuredly covered in dark chocolate. (Dark chocolate in general tastes a little bit too real for most people. You don't typically hear of someone drowning their sorrows in a Hershey's Special Dark, do you?)

Last night Audrey and I also discussed babies. We were filtering through some very hip baby clothes in search of something reasonably priced for her niece, Emily. I very deliberately thought to myself that I would let Audrey babysit my baby if I had one. Enough said.

Sooo, back to the Maine Mall. (The place was a fucking zoo, by the way. I still get the hiccups going into Wal-Mart when it's not busy, let alone a labyrinth of stores two weeks before Christmas.)

Our first stop was at Lids, a baseball cap store. Walls and walls of nothing but hats. The employees were less than attentive and Audrey and I stood there for a significant amount of time straining to reach a hat that was perched far beyond her reach and just out of mine. One of the male employees was standing so close to us that I bumped into him twice attempting to reach the hat. His boss pointed out our secret struggle and he offered to help. I think he was busy admiring the classy female employee whose thong was hanging out of her pants. At least I think they were pants...

So, finally Audrey decided on two hats, one for $#*@&^$ and one for her brother-in-law, Jay. Of course, this was after we spent time mulling over which hat had the most appropriately placed stitching and was relatively free of lint. At first glance, all the hats looked fine to me. But I have to give Audrey credit. There are clear differences if you look closely.

The scene at the cash register was priceless. The kid that was ringing up the purchases was maybe 19. He was wearing pants that barely covered the crack of his ass, earrings in both ears, and a baseball cap placed backwards on his head. Given all that, Audrey's tolerance level had dropped considerably and my “funny situation" radar was beeping uncontrollably. I kinda leaned over the counter next to Audrey, placed my hand on my chin and started watching intently.

First, the kid attempted to sell Audrey a discount card to the store. This was his first mistake. She was not having any of this and was unimpressed by his sales tactics, which were annoying at best. Audrey allowed him to talk and then said, "I'll think about it." His response? "Oh come on. It's only 5 bucks and I'll give you the second hat you're buying today at 50% off." That was his second mistake. I was doing the math furiously in my head and decided that this discount card was in fact a great deal. I told Audrey and she bought the damn thing only after it took multiple store employees to inform her of the availability of Lids stores in the South.

Now, on to the kid's third mistake. He asks Audrey for her name and address. Junk mail purposes I'm sure. (Keep in mind that there was a line behind us) She looks at him and asks him why he needs that information. Her demeanor is serious beyond belief at this point. He laughs, adjusts his backwards hat and says, "Yeah, it's not like some guy from Lids is going to stalk you or anything." Sigh. Right kid.

Eventually we got out of the store, only after Audrey explained how her address can pop up in dangerous places and commented how it humored her that she might get kicked out of Lids. After we walked out I simply pinched the bridge of my nose, sighed, and called her a paranoid schizophrenic. She called me a bitch. We laughed hard as we walked to Bath and Body Works.

The rest of the trip was fairly uneventful, but my focus turned to how badly my feet hurt shortly after leaving Lids. I don't remember much after that. Audrey did end up finding appropriate gifts for about half the people on her Christmas list.

What did I buy? Nothing.

The most important meal of the day...

2004-12-09T11:23:00.000-05:00

I'm eating oatmeal for breakfast. It would be safe to say that I am on an oatmeal kick.

I recently read an article on WebMD about the health benefits of whole grains. It's absorbing the "bad cholesterol" from my bloodstream as we speak. To what end? Who knows. I became bored and started thinking about taking the tinsel off my Christmas tree long before the end of the article. I certainly wouldn't want to be informed about it. All I know is that I feel a little less guilty eating that double cheeseburger at lunch.

Every morning...oatmeal. No tear open instant oatmeal packets. You know the kind that tastes decent? Nope, not me. I pour my oatmeal from the cardboard canister. I want all 9 cylindrical inches of it. The Quaker Oats man looks really good in that hat not to mention that there is something glaringly sexy about a man who can pull off a white bob and whisper sweet nothings of heart healthy eating in my ear. I even have an antique metal Quaker Canister in my kitchen that holds my wooden utensils. Don't worry Justin...he's 127 years old. :-)

For any and all who are interested, here's a link: http://quakeroatmeal.com/Archives/History/indexoat.cfm

That last statement makes me chuckle considering that only two people, besides yours truly, know that my baby blog exists. So, Justin and Nate... Check out the Quaker Man!

Oh, by the way... The humor in my oatmeal? Just a personal preparation tool (coping mechanism would work too) for my impending diet.

2004-12-08T22:26:00.000-05:00

Me.

Just a side note...

2004-12-08T22:02:00.000-05:00

I'm nervous to show Justin that I've started this.
Imagine me, about 2 feet shorter, standing next to someone 6'2".
I'm holding up a masterpiece on a piece of construction paper that I've drawn with fat crayons. It's a picture of people with stubby arms, three fingers, and perfectly round heads. Oh... and the sun is purple.

Sigh.

Here we go...

2004-12-08T19:50:00.000-05:00

Well. Hm. Here I am.

I am not a writer or a poet. I don't even pretend to have an affinity for the written word. But damn it, I love to talk and I have a brave soul.

Thoughts knock around in my head all day and I've decided that they need to be put somewhere. They need to be put somewhere where they can be nurtured and taken care of. I certainly do none of that and they're starting to knock me back. My boyfriend, Justin, also has a post. I love reading it and I love the idea of it. So I guess that this is a kind of envious copycat venture into a world that I've never been a part of. Ha. How exciting. Makes me feel a little dirty...in an intellectual way.

After much consultation with my coworker Scott, I've decided to name this post "Diastolic". It's a commonly used medical term pertaining to blood pressure, specifically the pressure that is created when a heart is relaxed and refilling with blood. So take that as you will and I hope that my posts will shed some light on my choice as I fumble through this process. It's a very hopeful name, don't you think?

So again, here I am. Dear God please bear with me... :-)