Ho. Ho. Ho.

My friend Audrey and I went to the Maine Mall last night. 'Tis the season, after all.

I guess that a brief description of Audrey would help clarify the humor of the excursion. So here we go...

First off, Audrey is a rigorous person. She doesn't mince words and expects that no one else will either. Audrey dresses to the nines and it is a rare occurrence to see her socks not match her shirt or for her pants to be without a crease. Damn do I envy that. She nurses a slight paranoia (well I guess that it's a tad bit more than slight) about things such as giving her Social Security number to anyone for any and all purposes, and telling her address to anyone other than someone she wants to visit her. As for giving her phone number out? Hell no. Mind you, this is all very endearing when it plays out day to day.

Underneath all that, Audrey has a nougat center. But she's most assuredly covered in dark chocolate. (Dark chocolate in general tastes a little bit too real for most people. You don't typically hear of someone drowning their sorrows in a Hershey's Special Dark, do you?)

Last night Audrey and I also discussed babies. We were filtering through some very hip baby clothes in search of something reasonably priced for her niece, Emily. I very deliberately thought to myself that I would let Audrey babysit my baby if I had one. Enough said.


Sooo, back to the Maine Mall. (The place was a fucking zoo, by the way. I still get the hiccups going into Wal-Mart when it's not busy, let alone a labyrinth of stores two weeks before Christmas.)

Our first stop was at Lids, a baseball cap store. Walls and walls of nothing but hats. The employees were less than attentive and Audrey and I stood there for a significant amount of time straining to reach a hat that was perched far beyond her reach and just out of mine. One of the male employees was standing so close to us that I bumped into him twice attempting to reach the hat. His boss pointed out our secret struggle and he offered to help. I think he was busy admiring the classy female employee whose thong was hanging out of her pants. At least I think they were pants...

So, finally Audrey decided on two hats, one for $#*@&^$ and one for her brother-in-law, Jay. Of course, this was after we spent time mulling over which hat had the most appropriately placed stitching and was relatively free of lint. At first glance, all the hats looked fine to me. But I have to give Audrey credit. There are clear differences if you look closely.

The scene at the cash register was priceless. The kid that was ringing up the purchases was maybe 19. He was wearing pants that barely covered the crack of his ass, earrings in both ears, and a baseball cap placed backwards on his head. Given all that, Audrey's tolerance level had dropped considerably and my “funny situation" radar was beeping uncontrollably. I kinda leaned over the counter next to Audrey, placed my hand on my chin and started watching intently.

First, the kid attempted to sell Audrey a discount card to the store. This was his first mistake. She was not having any of this and was unimpressed by his sales tactics, which were annoying at best. Audrey allowed him to talk and then said, "I'll think about it." His response? "Oh come on. It's only 5 bucks and I'll give you the second hat you're buying today at 50% off." That was his second mistake. I was doing the math furiously in my head and decided that this discount card was in fact a great deal. I told Audrey and she bought the damn thing only after it took multiple store employees to inform her of the availability of Lids stores in the South.

Now, on to the kid's third mistake. He asks Audrey for her name and address. Junk mail purposes I'm sure. (Keep in mind that there was a line behind us) She looks at him and asks him why he needs that information. Her demeanor is serious beyond belief at this point. He laughs, adjusts his backwards hat and says, "Yeah, it's not like some guy from Lids is going to stalk you or anything." Sigh. Right kid.

Eventually we got out of the store, only after Audrey explained how her address can pop up in dangerous places and commented how it humored her that she might get kicked out of Lids. After we walked out I simply pinched the bridge of my nose, sighed, and called her a paranoid schizophrenic. She called me a bitch. We laughed hard as we walked to Bath and Body Works.

The rest of the trip was fairly uneventful, but my focus turned to how badly my feet hurt shortly after leaving Lids. I don't remember much after that. Audrey did end up finding appropriate gifts for about half the people on her Christmas list.


What did I buy? Nothing.